The Enneagram Ruined my Life (…and then saved it)
Aristotle once said, "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom," and Socrates believed, "The unexamined life is not worth living."
And while I suppose you can't argue with ancient philosophers, I connect more with Benjamin Franklin's take: "There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self."
Because self-awareness is essential—of course. But it is hard to acquire. Painful, even.
You can't be selectively self-aware, you see. Learning good things about yourself ("I'm a great listener") requires digging deep and bringing up the less-good things, too ("I default to listening because I'm scared to speak my mind").
But without that knowledge, you cannot grow. You cannot grow into someone who is both a good listener and speaks their mind without self-awareness.
And that which doesn't grow dies. So, to live a full and worthy life, one must embark on a self-awareness journey. I promise it's worth it.
The online quiz that changed my life
I lived in blissful self-ignorance until I discovered the Enneagram.
Bored in the early days of the pandemic, some friends and I decided to take a quiz to find our types. The Enneagram is a personality framework that categorizes individuals into one of nine "types," identifiable by core motivations, desires, and fears. For example, Type 1s are motivated by being right and doing things correctly, Type 4s want to be unique and prioritize authenticity, and Type 9s (me) desire inner stability and peace of mind… and so on.
Unlike the MBTI, Big 5, or other personality tests that analyze behaviour, the Enneagram focuses more on why you do what you do.
I related to most of the types until I read something like this: Type nines are the most likely to think they are a little bit of every type and, therefore, have the hardest time typing themselves.
My entire life came into focus: I'm a nine.
On painful self-awareness
Once learning my type, I got sucked into the Enneagram world—I read blogs, I followed Instagram accounts, and I listened to podcasts. I was intrigued and alarmed by what I was learning:
"Average Nines have little sense of who they are apart from those they have identified with" (Enneagram Institute).
"Nines have the biggest capacity of all types to assume the views of other types because they are so unselfconscious. As a result, they have the least defined sense of self" (Personality Path).
"Nines get into the habit of forgetting themselves and going along with the wants and needs of other people" (Truity).
I heard repeatedly that this type has no sense of self-identity—they don't know themselves, forget themselves, merge with other people, and have a low sense of self.
Phew.
It was all news to me—until I started really reflecting on it and realized I don't know myself. I forget myself. I merge with other people. And I have a low sense of self. It's why my default response is, "I don't care—you choose the restaurant." I say it even if I DO CARE AND REALLY WANT THAI FOOD BUT AM WORRIED YOU DON'T.
My "go along to get along" tendency is strong. If I don't assert myself, I maintain peace.
I resonated deeply with this newfound knowledge about Type 9. Some information was thoughtful and interesting, like Dr. Tom LaHue's insightful help for Type 9. Others were a big 'ol slap in the face, meme-style.
This all struck a nerve I didn't know I had, and the new insight into my personality was overwhelming. It was a new level of self-awareness that I didn't want, quite frankly.
But I couldn't unknow it. Over time, I've allowed the increased self-awareness to push me into action and growth rather than frustration.
I started noticing times when I would default to other people rather than making my own choices. To exercise my decision-making muscle, I practiced doing it in small ways—picking a restaurant with friends or consciously choosing an outfit rather than throwing on the same old thing.
They're small changes but important steps to getting in touch with myself and my desires—I'm getting to know myself. And I like her.
Lessons for your journey
Your self-awareness journey is not mine. I don't know what it will look like, but you will likely experience the mixed bag of emotions I had. I think these three ideas will help you:
1. Be self-aware enough to know you're not self-aware
Psychologist and author Tasha Eurich conducted 10 investigations with over 5,000 participants to understand self-awareness. She found that most people believe they're self-aware, but only 10-15% of people actually are.
You can start here: know that you're likely not as self-aware as you may think and that you have a ways to go. But it's okay because you're in good company with the rest of us. It's just your turn to start the journey.
2. Move slowly
The initial painful knowledge around not having a sense of self has now morphed into an opportunity to develop one—a good thing. But it's taken a while to get there. I've moved slowly and imperfectly through the process, which is okay. Here are two things that were helpful to me:
Talking with a therapist to unpack desires, motivations, and fears. You don't have to do this relating to the Enneagram, but working with a professional can help you identify and process things about yourself.
Taking a digital detox. Arm yourself with knowledge, yes, but taking a break from books, podcasts, articles, and social media is also okay. It's actually possible to be too self-aware—you start thinking your feelings instead of feeling them. Pace yourself, darling: it's not a race.
3. Get Excited
The beginning of a self-awareness journey is challenging, but there's something exciting about it, too. Just think about how your life will expand with increased self-knowledge. Think about how your relationships will improve as you learn what makes you tick, how your choices will be more aligned with your passions, interests, and goals, and how you'll start living life fully on your own terms.
Self-awareness is a journey, and all good journeys have curves and dips in the road—it's just how it works—and I know it will bring you to a good place.
Alyssa Wiens is a freelance copywriter.